Fight the Power!
This page provides and introduction to the world of Discordianism, providing simple (and totally fabricated) explanations about why you should become a member of the Watermelonian Cabal. It provides info on nifty things like THE SACRED CHAO, the key to illumination and the subject of this picture. For more chao info, just click here. Otherwise, continue on down the page and discover why we Discordians are so much better than everyone else.
Become a Discordian today!

All right. You've seen the truth and it is scary. But you've also seen the Sacred Chao (above), so you realize that there is indeed balance in this world. Unfortunately, the Aneristic Federation (comprised of Greyfaces, Normals, and the Illuminati) is very close to tipping the cosmic scales. So it is your responsibility to spread the Holy Fnord of Eris, and thereby break this nasty trend towards order.

If you agree with the idea that order is bad, that discord is fun, and that all-powerful conspiracies are scary, then you're already a Discordian. All you need is to be baptized. Normally, this requires a big ritual, but the Watermelonian Cabal processing center will let you register online. First, though, you need to know the basics.

Who is Eris?Isn't our Goddess cute? For more info, click here and be transported to the magical land of HyperDiscoria.

Eris is the Greek Goddess of Confusion. Generally she has a bad rap, but that's just because They don't like her. Actually, she's a swell gal, and I've met her a couple times. As Discordia, she controls all in the world that is odd and interesting. For an example of her wisdom, read this old Erisian fable:

I dreamed that I was walking down the beach with the Goddess. And I looked back and saw footprints in the sand.

But sometimes there were two pairs of footprints, and sometimes there was only one. And the times when there was only one pair of footprints, those were my times of greatest trouble.

So I asked the Goddess, "Why, in my greatest need, did you abandon me?"

She replied, "I never left you. Those were the times when we both hopped on one foot." And lo, I was really embarassed for bothering Her with such a stupid question.

What is Fnord?When fnord becomes a verb, the fun truly begins! To be an evangelistic Discordian, fnord your dollars.

In defiance of those Illuminati scum, I will actually tell you. Fnord is everywhere. It is all. And it is annoying. Therefore, the Illuminati were in the past able to use it as a subliminal message and thereby extend control over the minds of mortals. But one day, some Discordian realized this, and thought, "Hey! Fnord seems pretty cool to me. Why doesn't Eris take control of it herself?" Eris heard this, and was similarly perplexed. So she decided to adopt Fnord and use its powers for good/discord. After all, fnord rhymes with discord. This of course follows the Law of Rhyming, the only law (other than the Law of Fives) that Discordians are compelled to obey.

Okay, then. What's the Law of Fives?Let's look at W again. Interesting... it seems to be comprised of two roman numeral fives. Another connection. And upside-down, it's M, the 13th letter of the aphabet. This of course explains the common obsession with 13, and why most bulidings don't have a thirteenth floor.

The Law of Fives states that everything is somehow related to Five, as five is the number of Discord. This extends to the number 23, as well. (2+3=5, 2/3=.666, 2x3=5+1, ad infinitum.) And more enlightened folks, like Watermelonians, realize that the law of fives applies to W, the 23rd letter of the alphabet. Not convinced that five is the most important number around? Take a look at your hand, our the number of basic senses you have, or the fifth letter of the alphabet, which just so happens to be the most commonly used. Fives are also found in most ancient magick, in the form of pentagrams or five-sided figures in which demons are summoned. (The United States Pentagon, for example.) If you don't accept the Law of Fives, you better have some pretty good explainin' to do.We are a tribe of philosophers, theologians, magicians, scientists, artists, clowns, and similar maniacs who are intrigued with ERIS, GODDESS OF CONFUSION and Her Doings. Click on the soldier to learn more.

What's a Discordian and how do I get to be one?

A Discordian is anybody who considers conventional life and then decides to have fun instead. Generally, this means not to follow rules, though there are some that we consider very important. (In addition, Mortimer has made some Commandments, the most important of which is listed below.) We are the most important people in the world, for we maintain the balance. What balance? That which is illustrated by the Sacred Chao: the balance between Order and Discord. As the world's Aneristic forces are constantly gathering and strengthening, it is our duty to keep everything from going to hell. This is all very, very important. But don't take my word for it. Read the Principia Discordia, and you'll understand. (Or not. But at least you'll have some vague idea of what I'm talking about.)Mortimer, the deity we concentrate on in Watermelonianism. In addition to being a good-looking fellow, he has the distinction of being Eris' husband. It was he who realized that fun was the meaning of life, and that discord almost always results in fun.

Who is Mortimer?

Though Eris is basically the head deity of this unReligion, there are a couple more important people. (If you were to believe those crazy Sub-Genius folks, there are a lot of gods.) First of all, Eris has an Only Begotten Son. But how was he begotten? Though it would be rude to go into too much detail, records point towards Mortimer as the Consort of Our Lady.

Mortimer is a most Righteous demigod, and it is He that gives voice to all abolitionists, radical reformers, beatnik poets, and similar folks. His special realm is that of insubordination, and though he has several Commandments, here is the most important: "Never do what anyone tells you to. Never ever." (The rest of the commandments kind of lose their impact after that.) It was Mortimer who discovered that fun is the meaning of life, and discord is the easiest way to have fun. Therefore, we recognize his wisdom in all matters, and worship him as second only to our great Goddess.

Mortimer is a stickhorse.

Don't waste the seeds, man. Eat them, for that is where the watermelon's true power lies.Who is Watermelon Man?

Watermelon Man was, along with Zacchus Volkornsemmel, one of the first people to worship Mortimer. In time, he became recognized as almost a saint. He defeated The Evil One, an Aneristic agent of Normality, using only a sling which he had often used to protect his flock of sheep. He spread the word of Eris, the word of Mortimer, and the word of Dr. Slice. In time, Zacchus became envious of Watermelon Man's popularity, and called upon all the order-imposing forces of the world to become an Aneristic daemon more powerful than Watermelon Man. Not even Mortimer could win this battle for Watermelon Man, and Zacchus eventually overcame Mortimer's Great Avatar. At this, Watermelon Man's essence was divided up and stored in the world's watermelons. Realizing his error, Zacchus gave up his life as an Aneristic daemon, and changed his name. Now known as Dances With Cannons, he is the greatest Watermelonian evangelist alive.

How can I join the Watermelonian Cabal?

After reading the Principia Discordia, or at least wandering around the pages of HyperDiscordia for awhile, you should have the neccesary information to become a Discordian. Once you have done this, email Chaoboy with a short explanation of why you want to be a Watermelonian, and how much you know about Discordianism. Our trained professionals will perform the neccesary rituals, and send you verification within the week.

Late-Breaking News!
Recently, our agents have discovered a few Illuminati plots directed specifically towards Watermelonians. The first plot, genetic engineering of seedless watermelons, is self-explanatory. Luckily, the initiators of this conspiracy are deeply entrenched in Capitalism, and therefore can be beaten with the weapons of that system. Through a simple boycot of seedless watermelons, we will keep the Illuminati from succesfully carrying out this plot for world domination.
The more frightening plot (even more insidious than seedless watermelons) is an Illuminati plan to turn public opinion against hobby-horses. Various individuals, undoubtedly influenced by The Orbital Mind Control Lasers, have begun to advertise the completely false Alien Conspiracy of the Hobby-Horse. This theory points to stickhorses like Mortimer as the creators of all mankind's evil, manipulating earth's events at a level even higher than the Illuminati. This theory, of course, is simply a counter-conspiracy by the Illuminati to shift the focus from their own actions and simultaneously ignite a crusade against Mortimer and his family. The argument is well-crafted, but herein lies one of its greatest weaknesses. Replace "hobby-horses" with "us," and it becomes clearer as to why this text could have been written by none other than actual Illuminati operatives! See the page, and watch all of its postualtions crumble before the light of truth.
Recently, one of our door-to-door evangelists was spreading the good news of Mortimer to middle-class residences in the Midwest.  One of the families seemed horribly confused by Darius Beta-Gamma's message.  Their daughter, a young film buff, was quite familiar with the story of Mortimer and Watermelon Man.  But the story was strangely twisted and confused.  We've had trouble deciding whether or not this is really an Illuminati plot.  Maybe the producers of these heretical "Untitled" movies are just confused and should be banished to Rhode Island.  In any case, the homepage for their movies has been moved to CoveWorld.net, so that the Watermelon Cabal may regulate their heresy.

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This page was compiled by the Watermelonian Cabal of the Church of Discordia, sponsored by coveworld.net, which is sponsored by thechain.com.  Most of the  info on Watermelon Man was provided by Inigo Veintitreis, Teller of the Deeds of Watermelon Man. Also thanks to Daryl Z. O'Connor for his opinions, and Darius Beta-Gamma, sacred seer and medium for the words of Mortimer.   fnord 

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